Discovering My Scars: Chapter 12 "Recovery 2.0"

Chances are good that you’ve heard of “The Twelve Steps.” These are often discussed in the context of addiction recovery, but Steph and Beth both learned a lot by walking the steps as part of a step study. Each step helps you address those hurts, habits, and hangups that get in your way. It was a helpful process for them in that season of life. In this episode, Steph and Beth listen to and discuss chapter 12 of Steph’s memoir and share some of their memories beyond what’s captured in the book. 

Questions for Reflection:
(1) What are your hurts, habits, or hang-ups? 
(2) Who are the people in your life who keep you accountable? Have you been intentional about developing accountability partners? 
(3) Is there something you found beneficial in the past that you wouldn’t participate in now? 
(4) Reflect on someone who was in your life for only a season. What was the impact that person made on you? Why did that season end?  

Show notes:
Episode 14: Invisible Scars, What We Discover in Recovery (with Lori K.)

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Transcript

Beth: 0:04

Welcome to the Discovering Our Scars podcast.

Steph: 0:06

Where we share personal experiences so we can learn from each other. I'm Steph and I'm Beth. I've been in recovery for 17 years and am the author of Discovering my Scars, my memoir about what's done in the darkness eventually comes to light.

Beth: 0:17

I'm a lawyer turned pastor who's all about self-awareness and emotional health, because I know what it's like to have neither of those things.

Steph: 0:24

Beth and I have been friends for years, have gone through a recovery program together, and when I wanted to start a podcast, she was the only name that came to mind as co-host.

Beth: 0:31

I didn't hesitate to say yes because I've learned a lot from sharing personal experiences with Steph over the years. We value honest conversations and we hope you do too. On today's show we're going to have an honest conversation titled Discovering my Scars Chapter 12. Then we'll close the show with questions for reflection.

Steph: 0:47

We'll invite you to reflect on the conversation in your own life. All right, Beth, you ready to get into?

Beth: 0:52

Chapter 12? Yeah, so we're going to play the audio book and then so you'll hear Steph's voice. But it's a recording of Steph's voice, so we have Steph live and recorded and then we'll pause it from time to time and talk about what Steph is revealing in the book.

Steph: 1:12

Chapter 12, recovery 2.0. I had seven years off and on of therapy with Dr Jill. When I moved back to Tallahassee I started to feel a pull like I needed more. I felt like I needed Christian community recovery. So I sought it from Celebrate Recovery CR, a Christ-centered 12-step recovery program. It's an international fellowship but it has a very strong following at Calarn.

Steph: 1:36

Back in high school I produced videos for my church to show on Sunday mornings. The videos were typically about different church ministries and upcoming events. In 2003, the church wanted me to produce a video about a new program. They were starting the very same Celebrate Recovery that I was now planning to attend. In the video, three people shared their many testimonies. I can still clearly remember where I filmed and what they talked about. It was the first time I can remember people in church talking so openly and honestly about life struggles such as mental illness, alcoholism and suicide attempts. When I started working at Calarn, some of the ministry leaders set up lunches with me. One of those meetings was with Lori, a CR leader. During lunch I asked questions about CR and what it offered. Lori enthusiastically shared information about it and mentioned she had tried to start a staff lady's step study but no one had been interested. I jumped in and said we should try to start one again. Hey, I remember that. You remember wanting to be in a step study.

Beth: 2:41

I remember you and a co-worker who, because we were working, we were both working at this place at Calarn, at the church, and you came into my office and were like hey, we want to start a step study.

Steph: 2:52

I was like, okay, no, you said yes because you're an easy yes, I'm an easy yes. Little did I know how easy you were at. You would say yes to anything. I guess you were not part of the staff when she originally tried to start a step study, because you would have been an easy yes back then.

Beth: 3:13

Yeah, that's probably right, because I wasn't on staff all that long. Actually start to finish, it was only nine months.

Steph: 3:19

I was only over there in a temporary capacity and you weren't even still on staff at the end of the step, study right, but you continued it.

Beth: 3:26

Yeah, I wanted to finish.

Steph: 3:28

Had you known about step studies? What was your history? As we saw, my history was I had made a video when Celebrate Recovery first came to Calarn and was really just intrigued by these stories of being so honest in church, and I always was like wanted to do it but the timing wasn't right. So what was your history with?

Beth: 3:51

Celebrate Recovery. It was something that I knew that we offered on Friday nights, but it was not something that I had been a part of, but I had been in therapy. I had gone through a period where I was in weekly therapy working on my anger issues, and then I was. I was not still going weekly at this point, I was going on an as needed basis but but I knew that I had hurt habits and hangups that I needed to work on and I was also interested in like building community and being part of the community, which is the thing about the step study that appealed to me. And I also want to remember to say that Lori, who you just mentioned in the book, she was our guest on episode 14.

Steph: 4:32

Yes, that was a while ago Because we wanted to have her on, like, talking about Celebrate Recovery, which we did so link to in the description of that episode where we talked more about this program that we were part of years ago. Now it's been.

Beth: 4:45

And I also understood like a general idea of what the 12 steps were. I mean, we kind of say this in the intro but like I really am into self awareness I always have been, and especially since I did go through that, that time period when my kids were toddlers, when I really realized I needed weekly therapy, like that was. I was like, oh, the self awareness is changing everything, you know, making everything better, Everything clearer. So I've just figured this was another opportunity for that.

Steph: 5:12

And did you know specifically what you wanted to work on like within the program, or did you just just self awareness?

Beth: 5:20

just self awareness I mean although I will say I still really value the confidentiality around this not for myself, but I don't want to violate anyone else's, so I want to be careful how I say this but one person said that they were working on self sufficiency and that was a light bulb moment for me. That that is. That is a habit that I default to when I'm not my healthiest, and so that became a focus for me in the course of our step study. I was like, oh yeah, I am recovering from self sufficiency and that presents in a lot of ways. It gets in the way in relationships, it gets in the way of my in my spiritual walk. I get really, even now I'm grateful to have had that opportunity to have worked on it.

Steph: 6:02

Yeah, and as I'm thinking through, is there's not like one thing specifically that I can remember was my thing that I was working on. I knew my coping with self injury was something that I definitely wanted to recover from, but I don't know if that's what I said, like if that's the way I phrased it.

Beth: 6:26

Because that really was you didn't share that right away? I don't think.

Steph: 6:28

Well, and that really wasn't my issue, it was learning why.

Steph: 6:32

That was my coping mechanism that I needed to work on. And the thing is I really don't remember a lot of what was said in the step studies, even what I said or what other people said, because part of Because it was so long ago it will. Now I'm realizing, yeah, I do have all the documents like I can look them up, like my inventory and stuff I could like look back, but it's because there's such a celebrate recovery is so much it's almost mysterious in a way because of the confidentiality element to it and how big of a part of celebrate recovery and not in a bad way where, like we're covering things up. It's confidential in a way where you can say anything and that doesn't get out Like you could have a coworker all of us were coworkers, coworkers in your group and they're never gonna say anything outside of group about what you said because it's very confidential.

Steph: 7:24

So I think I do remember like glances of what people said, but it's not my stuff so I would never like bring it up because it's not even now, even though it's been 10 years, that's still like it was under this blanket of like confidentiality. It's like no, like I would, no, it's almost like we signed an NDA but we didn't. But we did. I guess we did with God.

Beth: 7:49

Well, and it's okay for us to say like we were in the study together, because we're both okay saying that, but and Lori said it, and Lori said it when she was in episode, but we wouldn't talk about who else was in it. No, of course that would be their information.

Steph: 7:59

Exactly. We would only let somebody say it if and I do think it was known who was in that group because we met during it was a more staff thing and so it was kinda it was known, but again we would never like publicly say because? Well, first of all, why?

Beth: 8:15

it doesn't matter, it wouldn't be relevant to anything, but there was and it was okay for it to be known among other staff members because it was supported. It was like, yeah, it was. Yeah, we think this is a good thing that you are doing this and so-.

Steph: 8:30

And we wanted others to be encouraged to possibly join one or and we actually did a second one. You weren't there anymore, but I was part of a second one and we had a couple more people that joined, and that's really what it is is you choose to tell others if you want, and we all kind of agreed that the people on staff could know about it. I mean, obviously we didn't talk about what we said in it, but we wanted people to know that, yeah, I have her habits and hang ups and I'm part of this and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm in this and I think everyone can benefit from sharing their stuff in a safe environment. Like, I still will say that.

Beth: 9:09

Yeah, I agree. Okay, let's go back to the book.

Steph: 9:13

A step study is an intense nine months of going through the 12 steps of CR. It's similar to alcoholic synonymous steps, but generic, so participants can relate to any hurts, habits or hang ups, not just alcohol. Okay, we talked about CR recently and we could not remember how long it took and it's nine months.

Beth: 9:33

It takes nine months.

Steph: 9:36

Once we advertised the group, we found a few staff ladies who were interested in joining us. This group was nothing like I had ever experienced. Everything that was said and discussed was completely confidential, a true safe space. We didn't discuss the group outside of it. So when I was working alongside the same ladies who were in my group, it never felt weird. We all respected each other and the journey we were each on.

Steph: 10:01

One of the early steps is finding a sponsor, someone who has already completed a step study and is further along in the recovery. This person is dedicated to helping you in your recovery and getting you through the good and bad times. Having a sponsor is an important part of the process. Although you can move forward without one, it's one of the keys to a successful recovery. While going through a step study, I knew I needed one, but the thought of asking someone terrified me. Our step study leader told us that the best place to find a sponsor was at the Friday night CR small group.

Steph: 10:36

The three major components of Celebrate Recovery are large group meetings, small group meetings and step studies. I already attended large group each week, mainly because it was my job to run tech for the service, but I had never attended a small group. Large group is where all attendees meet and sing worship songs. Someone also shares their personal testimony or gives a lesson on one of the 12 steps. But small group was this mystical place to me? These groups are gender and issue specific. I didn't know exactly what they talked about or what would be required of me. It seemed like a very personal and intimate time.

Steph: 11:14

I was so nervous just to go to small group and then to be vulnerable and ask someone to be my sponsor. It was a lot, but when I slowed down and thought about it I knew who I wanted to be my sponsor. Only one person's face came to me whenever I thought about this. The only problem I barely knew her. A few weeks after I started working at Calarn, a woman walked into my office. I should probably mention that for the first six months of my job, my desk was right next to a giant communal office printer. It was loud and since any computer could print to it, it would run at any time without warning. It was a challenge to get work done, and the worst part was when volunteers would come in and make copies at the printer. They were doing nothing wrong, yet their constant copying was really distracting. I just want to say I'm still very salty about this. This was very upsetting. I am not a social person to have people randomly come into my office.

Beth: 12:12

Yes.

Steph: 12:13

And to have a randomly allowed thing making noise. I didn't enjoy it, yeah.

Beth: 12:19

Well, you found different office space and moved yourself into it, as I recall.

Steph: 12:24

I did, which felt like shouldn't have to be my job to find a place to work that didn't have a loud printer next to it but it was Well.

Beth: 12:32

When I started working there now again, I agreed to do it on an interim basis. You had an actual office. No, I had to clean it out. It was filled to the ceiling with stuff Filled.

Steph: 12:44

Oh my gosh.

Beth: 12:46

And so then I went to the, to the pastors, and I was like I think I know why you've been having a hard time finding somebody for this job. And they're like really why? And I was like because you're not prepared. You're not ready for someone. And they're like what do you mean? I'm like you don't even have a clean office for them, like you are. This organization is literally not ready to fill this position. So I cleaned out the office and got it ready.

Steph: 13:07

So you actually spent nine months getting them ready for the job. Yes, wow, yes, getting the organization Don't you wish you had a volunteer like you.

Beth: 13:15

I so wish I had an army of volunteers like me.

Steph: 13:18

You just need the one You'll clean out the office.

Beth: 13:20

You know what it's true yeah.

Steph: 13:21

You'd get it done.

Beth: 13:22

Yeah.

Steph: 13:25

On one typical day I was sitting at my desk in Inna walks, this woman who was very happy to see someone in the copy room. She introduced herself as Melanie, with two E's, and had more energy and excitement in her voice than I'd ever heard. She enthusiastically told me she was a leader with CR and was very excited to meet and get to know me. I politely chatted with her for a few moments. Once she left the room I tried to process the burst of energy that was Melanie. Her friendliness intimidated me, but it also intrigued me. I assumed I would not see her much afterward and moved on to the next time. I moved on to finish my work, Of course.

Steph: 14:04

That Friday at CR I was on stage setting up mics and cables for band rehearsal when, in walks Melanie, I watched as she sat behind the drum set. We got to talking again and this time she intimidated me because she's a drummer. I'd never met a female drummer before. As a kid I wanted to learn to play the drums and even had a practice pad, but I never got into it. That night I heard her play. Her skill, excitement and passion blew me away. I continued to see her off and on at CR.

Steph: 14:35

Melanie's face was the one I kept seeing when I prayed about who my sponsor would be. Then one day I went to small group for the first time and guess who was leading the group that I picked that night? There are five small groups for women and I picked the group for those who have been abused. I knew nothing about the group or leadership. I just knew that I related to the topic. Melanie led the group wonderfully and all my hesitation and nerves about small group went away. I wasn't required to do anything. I just introduced myself and listened. I heard stories I could relate to, as the other women shared similar feelings and struggles. At the end, Melanie asked anyone who wanted a sponsor to stay. After our meeting, I and another woman remained.

Steph: 15:20

Melanie talked to us about how to ask somebody to be our sponsor. It felt really strange going through the exercise, but I really wanted her to fill that role. After the other woman left, it was just Melanie and me. Then I got the courage to ask her if she would be my sponsor and she said yes. That was in 2013 and she is still my sponsor today. Yes, I referred to her as my sponsor to others. She's more than a friend and more than an accountability partner. She is someone who will drop anything if I just need to talk. She is someone who will make time in her life to let me share. She is someone who cares and encourages me to stay on the road of recovery. I know I'm heard when I spend time with her and that's a powerful feeling for me. And that is the end of chapter 12.

Beth: 16:11

Yes, so at the time that you published the book, melanie was still your sponsor. Where does that stand today?

Steph: 16:18

Melanie is no longer my sponsor, but she was my sponsor from 2013 to 2020. Yeah, and do you have a sponsor today? I do not have a sponsor anymore. Melanie was actually my sponsor, probably a little bit longer than I really needed a sponsor, and it's always interesting to think back through life and to look through. Just remember things that have happened, because where I stand today with all of this is a very different place than I stood when it happened.

Steph: 16:53

So I'm never longer involved with celebrate recovery. I don't know enough about celebrate recovery now to even recommend it as what I went through. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I went through. I don't know, I don't know anything about it now, honestly, I will say something that I was always curious about with Celebrate Recovery is their stance on the LGBTQ plus community, and I did not know I was part of that community.

Steph: 17:30

I was just an ally at the time, but I always believed in acceptance of all people and everybody was God's creation and that being LGBTQ plus was not a sin. I've always believed that, and so I did want to know what was their stance on LGBTQ plus when I was part of it and I asked a couple people and I did not get a satisfying response. I never got a full response. You know, if you are truly accepting, your answer is we accept and love everyone and we, just like Jesus does, and we want them to all be themselves and come to this program. And that is not exactly the wording that I got. I can't even remember the wording it was enough where they weren't like we don't accept LGBTQ plus. It wasn't that blatant but it wasn't like we accept them. Why wouldn't we accept them? We accept straight people. Why wouldn't we accept gay people? Like you know, it wasn't something that was so obvious. And I got a feeling that they would accept LGBTQ plus people into the program because they'll accept anybody, but they believed that God would change them in the program to not to realize that they were sinning in their life, which it was never said that way.

Steph: 19:00

But that was the feeling I had and it was hard for me because, you know, as an ally, I didn't like that, that concept. But again, I didn't know that for sure and I wasn't going through that at the time and I really did need celebrate recovery for what I was going through, and so I did look past that and stopped digging into it and took what I needed from the program. Whether that is still the case, whether that was that, is just my observation at the time. Whether that's truly what was happening, I don't know. I don't know for sure. I was not a leader in the program. I was not privy to like the like behind the scenes conversations, and whether that has changed to a stance one way or the other, I don't know either. So as we stand today, I could not recommend celebrate recovery Me recommend. I would recommend look into it.

Steph: 19:57

It was a great program when I was in it. Step study was a great program. Also, I've never been part of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I've heard a lot of good things about that for recovering from alcohol specifically, but it has a lot of the same principles. So that's where I stand with celebrate recovery. Today, I still am very thankful for the time I had within celebrate recovery and the process, and I'm so thankful for my sponsor. Melanie was exactly the person I needed to help me through this journey. She actually helped me write some of this book. She's an editor herself. She wasn't the editor for my book, but she definitely read all the versions of it, gave me her two cents, she gave me permission to use her name, obviously, and she was definitely a huge part of my life for seven years. But there came a time where I didn't feel like I really needed a sponsor anymore and we kind of had changed as people. We had changed in different ways and when I think that's part of the process.

Beth: 21:01

I don't think it's like, oh, this person will be your sponsor for the rest of your life, like that would be such a commitment. I can't even imagine people agreeing to it.

Steph: 21:09

So I think, I think it's a rare cases when your sponsor is longer than you know, even a couple years, like it was pretty rare to have a sponsor for that long, yeah, and but she was exactly what I needed for that time and she is no longer my sponsor. We kind of have different paths in life and I haven't spoken with her in a few years now. I wish her well in life and she has done so many good things for me and I think that's a great for me and you know, I just wish her well in everything.

Beth: 21:40

It's okay for something to be right for a season and not be right for you forever, you know, and so we can. We can appreciate what we got out of it and continue to be grateful for what we got out of it without it.

Steph: 21:55

Well, I think it's like the Marie Kondo what is that? Where you hug your thing and then you let it free. Yeah, you know, and I think we can. We appreciated Kalarne for the time we had it in our life and you know, we've mentioned it. Kalarne is no longer a fully accepting congregation, no longer part of the United Methodist Church, and that's not something we can be a part of anymore. And we believe in accepting all people and believing that all people are created in God's image, and so we're no longer a part of that congregation. But that does not take away from the good that we got from it and the time we spent there, and it doesn't erase all of that. Right, it was good while it was good. You know, beth, when we were in Celebrate Recovery I can't remember did you have a sponsor?

Beth: 22:47

I never got a sponsor.

Steph: 22:48

I never did that Was that hard for you Because you like to follow the rules.

Beth: 22:51

It was hard because I exactly for that reason, because I like to follow the rules and I wanted to know that, oh, I had really done everything right. But it was hard, hard, hard for me to get there on Friday nights. You know that season of my life. My kids were in fifth grade and third grade and I just really wanted family time and Friday nights were the right time for that. So I really had a hard time making it to large group, which meant that then I wasn't available for small group, which meant that I didn't really meet people who could be my sponsor. So there's a step where you have to share your fearless moral inventory with your sponsor, and so I shared mine with Lori. I went over to her house. She made time to meet with me so I could share it with her. So I was able to do my steps without a sponsor.

Steph: 23:36

Do you think not having a sponsor hindered you in any way during the process?

Beth: 23:42

I don't think so, and Lori and I actually talked about it at the time. I had come into it having already done a lot of work, you know, and so it was like maybe she said it because she knew I wasn't, I wasn't going to find a sponsor, but she was like I really think, with the work you've already done, it's going to be okay.

Steph: 24:00

I was like, okay, thanks, and maybe she knew like I needed permission to not follow the rules which is interesting, because you're not supposed to really tell people what to do or think in self recovery. So she knew you. Just you needed that. I needed that permission. Yeah, or you wouldn't be able to continue. I'm in your brain. Did you have any accountability partners?

Beth: 24:18

No, I'm just the group, just the group that we did the study with.

Steph: 24:23

So if somebody wasn't in celebrate recovery, obviously we're not in it anymore. Do you think there's a way, outside of a program like this, where you could have someone like a sponsor and someone like an accountability partner? Like, how would you put that in real world?

Beth: 24:35

terms, an accountability partner can be someone who you, who you are close to, who can call you on your stuff. So, like I'm part of um, I'm part of a clergy covenant group. There's it's me and three other clergy women and we have intentionally, like built this relationship where it's like, okay, I'm going to tell you guys what I'm struggling with and I give you permission to check in with me about it. So I think you can build an accountability. Uh, yeah, I think you can build accountability into, even into a friendship. It just has to be the right friendship, right, cause you don't want you don't want somebody who is not in touch with their own stuff always just calling you on your stuff.

Beth: 25:21

Like that's not healthy, Um, but the idea of a sponsor I'm I'm struggling a little bit with that, like how that works outside of this particular context Cause the sponsor is not a therapist. For one thing, I think I mean, you're the one who had a sponsor, you wouldn't have better me but I think a sponsor is maybe more available than a therapist, right, cause you could call and say, hey, I just need, like I need a 10 minute phone call, a five minute phone call, because I'm struggling today. You don't get really do that with a therapist.

Steph: 25:52

Yeah, I mean within the real world, I would think I would say, uh, the equivalent, and it's not equal. Equal, I would say, is a is a therapist.

Steph: 26:03

Yeah, Um it's definitely different, which is why I had a therapist and a sponsor and a couple of partners like I had all of those Um. So I would say, though, with outside of a program, like and you have sponsors within, alcoholics synonymous as well Um, again, I don't want to speak to it and never being in it, but from my observation it's somebody that is just like CR. It's somebody that's longer been in the program, longer and is farther along in the recovery than you. And so when you need, like you know if you're struggling with this, you know alcohol and you're about to take a drink, your sponsor can help like, talk you through that and, you know, help you with you.

Steph: 26:41

And a lot of times and we talked about this in the um suicide episode actually um, where it's a split second decision, when people you know die by suicide, it's it's a split second thing, and so that's, I think the concept with a sponsor is when you're having those thoughts and feelings not necessarily suicide, but when you're you know about to take a drink, or when you're able, when you're about to do whatever your hurt, habit or hang up is that you can call that sponsor and they already kind of have context to where you are and what you're struggling with, and they're just there to listen and maybe to come sit with you, um, which is different than a therapist, for sure, like a therapist is not going to have be able to come and sit with you, um, so it is a different thing but, um, and also, I think, a sponsor.

Beth: 27:30

You want to find somebody who's had a similar recovery journey, exactly because, because, then you know they're going to approach this without shaming you and, um, they will have developed, hopefully, healthy coping mechanisms to help you get through that moment.

Steph: 27:44

Yeah. So I mean, maybe it's not necessarily I mean there and there are a lot of other recovery programs out there for you know, different substances and things like that, but there's a lot of groups out there too. So maybe finding someone that is with you on your journey is finding a group out there that has like-minded people that have gone through that same kind of journey. So you know, a sponsor doesn't necessarily have to be for, like hard drugs or something like that.

Steph: 28:13

It could just be someone that is supportive and it has gone through similar things as you.

Steph: 28:17

So, yeah, any kind of group that you can find like-minded people or people that are kind of in that same journey space, I think, is where you can have that, and I think part of part of it is having that conversation. The same thing with the accountability partner is it can be a friend, but I think you'd have to have that conversation of like I need you to ask me about my stuff, I need you to call me on my stuff and I want to, you know, do that for you. Is that something you want to be a part of? And finding and asking the right people too, like you said, is like if they're in a healthy headspace, you know what that looks like. So I think there's so many different ways that you can work on your mental health within recovery programs, outside of recovery programs. I think the first place is just to recognize that you want to get support and help and kind of put together a list of places that you can find that and get support and things like that.

Beth: 29:11

Yeah, and the idea of the group and the assist, the value of being in a group like I. I know folks who are going through grief share, which is, you know, when you have experienced a loss, but you kind of meet as a group and it's a support group. And also I know folks who have to speak very highly about divorce care, like I haven't personally experienced either of those but I've heard good things about them and so if those were issues I was going through, I would. I would look into those groups for sure, because there's so much value in in community.

Steph: 29:45

At the Indie Beach episode. We end the questions for reflection. These are questions that based on today's show that Beth will read and leave a little pause between for you to answer to yourself, or you can find a written in the description.

Beth: 29:55

Number one what are your heart's habits or hangups? Number two who are the people in your life who keep you accountable? Have you been intentional about developing accountability partners? Number three is there something you found beneficial in the past that you wouldn't participate in now? And number four reflect on someone who was in your life for only a season. What was the impact that person made on you? Why did that season end?

Steph: 30:26

This has been the Discovering Our Scars podcast. Thank you for joining us.