Discovering Our Scars
Discovering Our Scars
Why Do The Holidays Hit Different?
Join us, Steph and Beth, as we embark on a festive journey to explore the emotional roller coaster that is the holiday season. Ever wondered why holidays stir up such complex emotions? We'll be examining the joy, frustration, comfort, and nostalgia that come with holiday traditions and how our past memories and family dynamics shape our perspectives.
Full transcript and show notes here: https://bit.ly/dospod147
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Stephanie Kostopoulos : https://www.stephaniekostopoulos.com/
Beth Demme: http://bethdemme.com/
Welcome to the Discovering Our Scars podcast, where we share personal experiences. We can learn from each other. Our mission is to talk about things you might relate to but that you don't hear being discussed in other places.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Our hope is that you're encouraged to have honest conversations with people in your own life.
Beth Demme:I'm Steph and I'm Beth. On today's show we're going to have an honest conversation titled why Do Holidays Hit Different?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Then we'll share a slice of life, and the show will close with questions for reflection. We'll invite you to reflect on the conversation in your own life.
Beth Demme:So here we are in the swing of things. Thanksgiving has happened. Yes, it's like we're barreling towards Christmas. So exciting, such an exciting time of the year. Does it feel different for you this time of year? I think it hits different.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, I think so. We should talk about that, yeah.
Beth Demme:Why does this time of year hit different? Because it really does. I mean, it is a. It's my favorite time of year. Is it your?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, that's an interesting question, Because you said that I was thinking is it my favorite time of year? I don't think it's my favorite time of year. You know, every time we're in a season, we start a season, I think, oh man, this is great. Like we started fall and I'm like, oh, I like fall. And then I was like, but then when spring hits, I'm like I like spring, it was summer.
Beth Demme:I don't love it.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:I don't love it because it's so hot, but then I like winter, so I don't think this is my favorite time of year. But I do think this time of year is feels different, with all of the holidays almost stacked up. When you kind of think about it, there's like a ton of holidays stacked up and then you just it's, you're almost like closing out a year and you're slowing down and it just is like natural feeling with like cause it gets darker sooner and it's colder and so you're almost bundled up and kind of you know shutting down for shutting down one year and welcoming another year. So there's just, yeah, I mean it's. I wouldn't say it's my favorite time of year, but I would say I definitely like like this time of year cause it does feel different than the rest of the year.
Beth Demme:Yeah, I think it is my my favorite time of year, and part of it, I think, is because it seems like there are things that people generally look forward to, so people feel kind of I don't know more joyful, happier I mean not always right.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Like, yeah it's, it's interesting because you do have these two, these two sides, like you know you, you're either like love I feel like you either love this time of year or this is a really hard time of year for you because I think, the same reasons why it can be like a joyous time, it can also the opposite of it can be like a sad, depressing time of year for the same reasons as Joyful for you, like if you've had a lot of, if you used to spend it with family and like had some good memories, and then, like some of those have passed or something traumatic happened in this time of year, then it can be the completely opposite this could be your least favorite time of year, yeah.
Beth Demme:I mean I. I hope you won't mind me saying this, but this is my husband's least favorite time of year.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Oh, wow, we should have had him on. Yeah, that would have been interesting to hear his, his take on that. Because, yeah, I definitely wouldn't say it's my favorite, I wouldn't say it's my least favorite, but I think it's taken me a while to hone in on this time of year for me. So I think I've gone through stages of loving it, of not loving it, because I think there's so much tradition wrapped up in holidays. That usually is a good thing. It's like, oh, traditions, we like traditions.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:But sometimes I don't like traditions for traditions sake, like I don't like to do something just because that's what we're supposed to do during. You know, this time of year that that just makes me kind of annoyed, it doesn't bring me comfort. Like I don't really like Thanksgiving foods and we would like have Thanksgiving foods every year. My mom doesn't like them either. And we finally were one year like why are we doing this? Like none of us like this food, why are we eating this food? And then we finally were like, okay, let's make some changes. And now I like Thanksgiving more. You know, when you kind of take control and decide for yourselves and not just do it because you know that's what we're supposed to do. But how about you Do? You do things, cause that's what we're supposed to do, and you enjoy that I mean, I like conformity.
Beth Demme:And so I know I do, and I think part of that comes from how I grew up, where I really felt like we were always on the outside and like we were never really doing. That's not. It's not fair to say we were never doing the things other families were doing. I didn't feel like we were. I knew my family was different. I mean, I knew that we weren't as I don't know the right words.
Beth Demme:but like that, we we had troubles that other families didn't have. As an adult, now, looking back on it, I'm like a lot of families have those troubles, but as a kid it really felt, you know, isolating to me, and so I liked that connection to the rest of the world. Oh, thanksgiving is a time of year when we're doing what other families are doing. This is good, right, we're going to eat turkey. I don't really like turkey, but we're going to eat turkey because that's what other families are doing. So that brought me a sense of comfort. So there are a lot of traditions that I embrace for the sake of tradition.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Do you have a favorite tradition that is like a society's tradition that you really like, or do you even really like the society traditions Like? You might not like them, but you just do them because, like you said, you want to be like everyone else.
Beth Demme:Yeah, no, I mean, there is comfort in it for me. So I do like it. Like we always do have turkey on Thanksgiving and it's not my favorite food, but I can eat it once a year, thank goodness. The tradition is not to have fish, because I don't like to eat fish at all, so thank goodness, right. But we also have to have ham because not everybody likes turkey. So we'll have ham because Hannah, my daughter, she doesn't like to eat turkey. Okay, that's reasonable. We'll have ham. You can have ham, I like ham too. Yeah, so she has ham at Thanksgiving. And but then there are all the sides, like I love stuffing, I love macaroni and cheese, I love pumpkin pie. All that stuff is good to me.
Beth Demme:And the tradition of gathering, you know, basically in the largest family group we can assemble, I love that part of the tradition too. So there are a lot of traditions around Thanksgiving that I really love. And then at Christmas it's kind of the same thing. You know that the to know that we are. Well, one of my favorite Christmas traditions is we open one present on Christmas Eve. Do you do that? I can't remember.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yes, I believe in that tradition, but my sister in law doesn't, and so it's been a. We haven't done it for a while because, yeah, she, because.
Beth Demme:I do believe in that. The nibblings mom, yes.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And the nibblings. You know, that's what the hall, that's what like Christmas specific more is about, is about the nibblings now, and like I don't really care about gift giving, but like, if there was, yeah, I do kind of like that idea of like one before. Yeah, yeah, Actually, my sister in law and my brother, both of them, I think, agree with that concept, so it's like I'll respect it. I don't like about respect, although I give the nibblings, my gift Thanksgiving, because my gift is an advent calendar every year, so you get that way before.
Beth Demme:Christmas, but you do give them something at Christmas also, no their gift is the advent calendar.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Okay, and I remind them every Christmas member, it's become a tradition. But every year, like I already bought it, I get to Lego advent calendar. Yeah, I love those and I always ask them way before which one they want, because actually Costco usually has a couple of them on sale or, you know, at Costco prices, and so I already got all of them and I haven't wrapped them yet, but I have them all and so I'll give them to them around Thanksgiving. But I asked them every year if they want one, like I don't just assume I do like the tradition of it, that that's what I always give them and I'll say, easy, I like that. But I do always ask, like, do you want another advent calendar? And they like it Because I think it's also fun, because Christmas, like you, especially like for kids, it's like you get all these gifts on one day and it's like it almost becomes white noise at some point because it's just a bunch of stuff.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And so I like the little gift every day, like the little fun surprise every day, like that's what I like. So that's also why I wanted to do that instead of a gift on Christmas to get lost.
Beth Demme:Yeah, I will say we do advent calendars too and I always have fun picking them out and I get. We're at a point no w where I get different ones, you know, for different people in the family, but I kind of know what I'm going to get. Like, I got my mom a coffee one because she drinks a cup of coffee every day. Anyway, I buy Hannah a makeup one, and have you seen?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:the Trader Joe's ones. I haven't. Those are really nice. They have like a beauty. It's not makeup, but it's like skincare. Yeah, yeah, and they're really good.
Beth Demme:Yeah, and then I'll get. Last year I got Peter one that had a different cat toy every day because he had, you know, gotten a cat not long before that. This year I'll probably get him something more food related, something that's more for him. Oh, costco has a dog one.
Beth Demme:Oh, that should get that one, yeah, get that for Scooby, for Hannah's dog and I like for a couple of years. I love caramels and for a couple of years there was one available that was different flavored caramels, which some of them were truly disappointing, like truly. But the structure of the advent calendar itself was a problem, and so then it was like you couldn't get one a day because you had to disassemble the whole thing, so that kind of lost its fun and I don't even think they saw that one anymore, couldn't find it. So yeah, so I love that tradition actually of advent calendars.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:You got me an advent calendar last year with teas and actually I made a note every day of the teas, like if I liked it, if it's something that I would want, and there was one that I really, really liked and I actually bought it. I bought a canister of it. I have it and I have it like every other day.
Beth Demme:Yeah, hopefully, there was like more than one out of 25 that you liked there was.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yes, there was a lot of them that I liked, but that one like really like I kept like thinking about that, like I didn't want to buy like a whole bunch of teas, and so I was like I was like, okay, what's my very favorite in that? Yeah, I can't remember what it was called, but it's just like a nice light flavor.
Beth Demme:It's like a white tea. I like that yeah.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:I'm glad you liked that. Yeah, I think advent calendars is super fun. I do think they probably need to change their name because it's odd to me. Like I understand, advent is like celebrating Jesus, it's like it's like we're awaiting, yeah, but like they've just become a toy for us and like maybe a countdown calendar. But it's weird that like it still has like a Christian name, but like nothing is Christian about it, it's just a little toy. Nothing is Christian, or a toy, or a treat or something like that.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:That's nothing Christian about that. It's just odd that, like so many things have become commercialized and this is commercialized, but the name is still very Christian.
Beth Demme:Right, it's true actually that's weird, yeah, because it's like a Christian season, that's the first season of the Christian year, like the year starts over on the first Sunday of Advent, and so and so just the fact that that name still stuck.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Like the Lego ones are called Lego advent calendar. Like why not a countdown calendar?
Beth Demme:Yeah, not Christmas countdown yeah. I know, as if Christmas is like too overtly Christian, so we'll just call it an advent calendar.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, it's an odd one, but as you're talking, you're talking a lot about, like holidays and family associated with that. So to you, or do does holiday and family always go together? Yes, they do.
Beth Demme:It's a time when we're able to Like collectively, like we stop and we intentionally spend more time with family, which I don't I don't really know, in my family at least. We're not good about doing that in other times of the year, like we don't. I know some families you know they get together every summer. My family just never did that. So Christmas was a time where it was like no, everybody's gonna take off work and we're gonna spend time together.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:When you say family, are you talking about like your husband and kids, or are you talking about like your parents, siblings?
Beth Demme:I mean more extended family.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So you get together with extended family.
Beth Demme:Only for Thanksgiving. So okay, so Christmas is my husband, my kids and the kids' grandparents and my sister-in-law. Last year she didn't spend Christmas with us and honestly it made us all sad. So this year she's a travel nurse, so she has to be real intentional about how she schedules her contracts. But this year she scheduled it so she can be with us at Christmas, so that'll be good. Does she have a contract here?
Beth Demme:No, she'll take yeah, it'll be one of her off times and then. But Thanksgiving usually well, sometimes it's both sides of our family and sometimes it's just my side of the family that comes and we set up a big table. You know, 15 or 20 people, wow.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And your house yeah.
Beth Demme:Where do you set the table up? We take the dining room table and extend it to the front door. Oh, so you turn it that way? Okay yeah, cause it's already turned. When you walk in the front door and you look straight ahead, the dining room table is like straight ahead of you. Do you use a dining room on a regular basis? No, we use it every Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Okay, yeah that's what I was wondering. Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, that's about right, but it's at least it's open. It's not like a closed off room that you never go in, so it's not like it just keeps the house open.
Beth Demme:And actually being able to extend the table in that way was part of how we designed the dining room.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, that's right.
Beth Demme:So that it could extend into the four year.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:It's a lot of forward thinking.
Beth Demme:that's good, yeah, yeah it was intentional on our part, because we really did want to spend it with. We knew we wanted to spend the holidays with as much family as we could gather together.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So that's wow. That's like really forethought and also shows how important the holidays is to you, is like when you literally design your house you thought, okay, we need a big table for Thanksgiving, so how can we design this room to fit that? So that is real dedication to holidays. So I could see family holidays for sure.
Beth Demme:Yeah, does it work that way for you? Do you think holiday and family go together?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:It has in the past, like growing up like we would get together with family. Like I said, I don't really like things where it feels like we have to do this because this is what you have to do. So I don't really like to get together with extended family during this time of year. I like to see like my niblings and brother and sister-in-law and a lot of times we do get together for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They don't live until it has anymore, so it becomes a little bit more complicated and sometimes they're with my sister-in-law side of the family.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So I personally like to spend time with family random times of the year. Like I prefer just getting together like randomly and not having this like forced society's pressure of like this is when we get together, which is like completely opposite than you Like you love being forced societally to get together, but I just never have enjoyed the social norms of like this is like why we do stuff. So I, but I have I do like this time of year. For me part of it is like the weather, like I feel like the weather kind of is different.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Like it's cozy weather. It's cozy Like, and I like cold weather. It's usually hot here, just always hot, even like we've been having some like fall weather, which is really nice, but it's gonna get back to hot days Like it does. So I like when we're in like winter time and it's just pretty consistently cold. It's not always, but I really like that. Feel so for me, like that's why it hits. Different too. It's just like the weather makes it is different here than it typically is, cause, as much as everyone loves sunshine and everything, I'm not that big a fan of it. I know I live in Florida. It's wasted on me.
Beth Demme:I knew a woman once who told me that they they had moved to Tallahassee because her husband had accepted a new job here. But they came and visited before he accepted the job and she was like but I feel like the company intentionally brought us during the second week of November, when the weather would be perfect and crisp and lovely, because now it's July and it's not like that that's smart.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:That's a smart move. Yeah, great time to bring them.
Beth Demme:There might have been some intentional thought gone into that, like when you should come visit, because November in Tallahassee is amazing, yeah, yeah, I definitely think the weather plays a factor in the overall like joy of the season too, you know, cause? It's not, it's not, oh, it's so hot, it's, you know, oppressively hot, but also it's not so cold that it's like, oh, we can't. You know, oh, you know, I'm freezing, I gotta.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, I mean, it's still Florida cold. It's still Florida cold, yeah.
Beth Demme:Don't get. Don't get crazy. Listen, one of my favorite, one of my favorite colleagues, one of my favorite people in town. She's talking about me people. It's gonna be me no-transcript so close so close, is moving because they wanted to live somewhere cold. So they are moving to Wisconsin, which is not.
Beth Demme:Are they a Methodist pastor? Yeah, it's not the easiest thing to do, Like she had to tell the bishop. You know, for the conference in Wisconsin. Hey, I'd really like to come serve a church there, if you have one. Where are they from? They're both native Floridians.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Oh weird. So they just had always that's a strange one.
Beth Demme:They have no family.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And they just want to be somewhere cold.
Beth Demme:They just want to live somewhere that it's not so hot. I mean I can get behind that.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:I like cold so and I would be okay with that, like living somewhere.
Beth Demme:I mean, people always say it gets old fast, but yeah, actually I said they're both native Floridians and that's not quite right, because I think her husband grew up somewhere cold because he knows how to play ice hockey, so he must have grown up somewhere cold. Yeah, but she's definitely a native Floridian, like you know, the hot part of Florida, like Tampa, yeah, wow.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Well, as a pastor, I feel like especially the Christmas holiday is like big for you. Is that something? Do you really like the? I mean that seems like a silly question, but do you really like the Christian?
Beth Demme:holiday.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:I guess all that goes into it, Cause I would assume, as a pastor, there's a lot of work things for you Like. Is that stressful, Is that good for you Like? And I also know there's like there's a couple services that you do around this time of year.
Beth Demme:Yeah, I do extra services. I also do an extra Bible study, so December is very busy. Yeah, because I teach two extra classes every week, so Sunday and Wednesday, that adds a lot to my schedule. And then we have all of our advent traditions in the church and then we have I always like to have a blue Christmas service, which is, you know, to acknowledge that sometimes we feel blue at the holidays and that's okay. That doesn't dishonor God, it doesn't dishonor Christmas. So I always like to have that service. And then we'll have a Christmas Eve service. And last year I'm rolling my eyes, I know you can't hear- that, but I'm rolling my eyes, because last year Christmas was on a Sunday and so they're all of these.
Beth Demme:I'm just going to say it self righteous people, self righteous pastors who are like, of course we're going to have church on Christmas and I'm like you know what we're going to do it like. We do it every year, which is we have a Christmas Eve service, because let's go back to Genesis the day starts with the evening before, so a Christmas Eve service is a Christmas service. You know, in the way Genesis works, the day goes from evening to evening. So yeah, but there were so many people last year who were like you're a terrible pastor if you don't have a Christmas day service, and I'm like I don't ever have a Christmas day service. Just because Christmas is on a Sunday, it doesn't change that for me.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Well. So that's interesting because that means this year Christmas is on a Monday. So will you have services in the morning and at night, or just at night? Well, on.
Beth Demme:Sunday we're only going to have a nighttime service On Sunday. On Sunday we're only going to have a Christmas Eve service, which is a little. It's a little tricky, just at my particular church, because we have opened up our facilities to other congregations to be able to meet there because they didn't have space, and so we normally meet in the morning and then we have a church that meets in the afternoon or a congregation that meets in the afternoon and a congregation that meets at night, and so I've had to tell the one that meets at night hey, sorry, we're going to be using the building then.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Would you like to have a morning service? Is it a Christian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, so then would they also be celebrating Christmas?
Beth Demme:Eve they may have. They may actually do a Christmas day service instead of they're trying to decide. But yeah, but I just Christmas Eve service is a huge part of my Christmas tradition, so much. So you know, steven and I, our wedding anniversary is December 23rd.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, wow, we got married on the December 23rd.
Beth Demme:On our honeymoon. We went to church on Christmas Eve and I wasn't a pastor then.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:It was just that Did he not like this time of year back then as well, cause, you said, this isn't his favorite time of year now.
Beth Demme:Yeah, that is such a great question. We don't know.
Beth Demme:We've talked about it a lot Okay okay, you know, we got married right after we had both graduated from college and we were pretty young, and so we don't know if he wasn't aware that he did not like the month of December. But throughout our so we've been married, so throughout our 28 years of marriage, it has definitely become very apparent he does not like the month of December, and so I said that to him a few years ago. I'm like I'm so sorry that I wanted to get married in December because it's my favorite time of the year and that it's a time of year you don't like. The reason that he doesn't like December, which we finally unpacked, and we, I mean it was a big enough issue that we had to unpack it.
Beth Demme:You know what I'm saying, but this is really tragic. But when he was in middle school, his best friend died by suicide and it was in early December and he tucked that away, right. But you know, your body remembers that kind of trauma and grief, and so December would just become this, like you know, he just was a mess. I didn't know why. And then, like I said, we had to unpack it.
Beth Demme:We literally had to research it to find out when that friend had died, because he said, I wonder, because my brother died in August, and so I know August is generally a month where I'm things, I'm out of sorts, and then I'm like, oh wait, it's August, that's why I'm out of sorts, anyway.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So yeah, has getting married, so it hasn't really changed his perspective of December, though, having it as like a joyous time as well being married.
Beth Demme:Yeah, I think that once he was able to name it, you know how sometimes you name something and it goes from being really huge to being really tiny. I think that it has been that for him, because the last I don't know three or four years has been better for sure.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So I think you say this time of year, but would you say, is Christmas your favorite holiday?
Beth Demme:Yeah, it's really Christmas and it's the lead up to Christmas that I really love.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:It's just like the whole everything goes into it.
Beth Demme:Which means sometimes after Christmas is a let down Like New Year's.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, it's like a let down. Yeah, do you do something for New Year's New.
Beth Demme:Year's feels like a lot of social pressure. Maybe with that I get a little glimpse of what you feel when you're like I'm not really into the social norms, cause I think I feel that way about New Year's, like why do I have to stay up? Late. Yeah, okay, all right, I'll stay up. Oh, I'm not gonna go out and party and have a great. Oh, I'm such a dud you know, I don't want to.
Beth Demme:I don't want to. Don't want to put on a sparkly dress and go hang out with people who are being fake. I don't wanna do that. So have you ever?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:done it. Oh, I've never done it. I've never had a desire to do any of it.
Beth Demme:Yeah, but so the one thing we do on New Year's I will say one of our traditions, and we pick this up somewhere along the way we picked up the idea of you open the door at midnight and you let the old year out and you let the new year in. I think that we picked that up in Russia. Oh, okay, because we were there for New Year's, which New Year's is their big holiday. It's much bigger than Christmas. Also, they celebrate Orthodox Christmas, which is January 6th, not December 25th, so New Year's comes first and, yeah, I think that we picked that up that year, that 2002 to 2003,. That New Year that we were there, the bugs come in.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:I have a feeling bugs come in as well.
Beth Demme:No, no, we don't leave the door open that long, Okay it's just like an out.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, okay.
Beth Demme:The years have to move fast.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, okay, come on, they're busy, they're on a schedule, but.
Beth Demme:I'm ching yeah, wow, my own sound effects. Did you not know that I came with my own sound effects?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:You're just one full package there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good job, beth. Well, all applauding you.
Beth Demme:Steph's got sound effects too. I'm gonna say it Her's her bear.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:I've been waiting for that one. I don't know why I have that on here, but I was waiting and found it found a use for it Okay.
Beth Demme:so we're talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's, and I'm talking a lot. What is your favorite holiday? None of those. None of those.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:No, okay, my favorite holiday is July 4th.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yes, the 4th of July Is it? Oh, I got it right. We might have talked about it before. Yeah, my favorite holiday is the 4th of July because it's like one of those random holidays that is not like a big deal, usually like no one really makes it a big deal, and it's kind of like, yeah, whatever, and people just usually just get together and barbecue, whatever, which is fun.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And I like it because when I moved into my house 10 years ago, we just randomly decided to get together and my youngest nephew was like three, I think at the time, and then my middle nephew was a baby and then my niece wasn't born yet and he just was like let's do a parade around your house.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And we're like, okay, and then we just like paraded around my house literally, and my mom had seen this like thing about making a tea rocket, which is like taking a tea bag and setting it on fire and then it goes in the air and just like random things that we just like did on this day and then next year we're like we need to get together again and we did, and we've done that for 10 years now and it's like it just became like. I really like it because it's all these like kind of random traditions that we like didn't know we were doing, and then it just became a thing, and then every year we make a video of it, and then every year we watch all the previous videos and then it's just like become like such a thing, so and it's not like a gift giving, holiday and there's no pressure, and I just really like that.
Beth Demme:That sounds really nice, actually, cause it is literally just about spending time together, yeah.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And doing these like fun things that like like that's not a tradition for people to parade around their house, you know, but my neighbors like watch like they'll like oh look, they're parading. And I have like I play the stars and stripes forever on my like Bluetooth speaker. And you know, I mean it's not a parade without music. Come on, I know you have to. And then we we'd march.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And I have like a big, a big American flag that I get out once a year. Then we wave it and we get sparklers. So what a patriotic family you have. It's so random because like it's so yeah, it's, and that's what I think is like. I think it's funny and that's why I like it too. It's like no, no, it's not like something that we really are and like it just is, like it's just fun that I'm just kind of randomly happened. So that's my favorite holiday. But I do like these holidays kind of stacked up and I just like kind of how it feels different than the rest of the time of year. It's just like and I've made it what I want it to be and not what like society tells me it needs to be.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So and also randomly about 10 years ago, when I moved back, me and Emily, who was on the podcast, put a link to her episode, we get together at a park called Dorothy B Ovan in Tallahassee and they have a bunch of lights that are super pretty and we get a frosty from and we eat a frosty and we sit and talk in Dorothy B Oven and look at all the lights. So it randomly happened. My mom had these like coupons for for a Wendy's one year. They gave out like you could buy like a pack of like 10 for a dollar for Halloween to give out at Halloween yeah, I think they do that still, yeah. And so she had all of these and she was like, here, get a frosty with Emily. And I was like that's random, we're going to see light. She's like, yeah, but it's hot today and I was like okay, and it was sometimes hot it is.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And so I was like okay. So I was like Emily, here's a frosty for my mom. And she's like okay, and we ate them. And then we're like this is so silly that it's winter and we're eating frosties. And then the next year we're like we got to do it again.
Beth Demme:We got to do it. It's interesting to think about how traditions get made. Yeah, you know that like it's, oh, we did it, it was fun, let's do it again. Oh, let's do it again. You know, and they, they, when they kind of happen organically like that, but then you really it goes from being just something that happens organically to we're going to choose to do this.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And it seems like traditions are usually associated with holidays. Do you think that is like? Can you have a tradition outside of a holiday?
Beth Demme:I mean what I think about the traditions in our family. They're about special days, maybe not always a holiday, but because both of my kids are adopted, we celebrate the day that we got to hold them for the first time, because that's when we became a family, so like we have, and we call it by their name, so like we have. Peter day that's the day we held Peter for the first time. Hannah day that's the day we held Hannah for the first time, and we always get together on that day. We usually have something small for them, just, you know, a memento. Sometimes it's, you know, meaningful, sometimes it's not, but we, they get to pick up where we got to dinner or what we eat, and then we watch the videos of the days that we met them Although I will say in recent years they have wanted to see other videos, which is fine.
Beth Demme:They leave and then Steven and I watch the videos of the days, we, of the times we held them for the first time. So it's still part of our tradition, but it's so. It's a special day, is what I'm saying. It's not just a random like oh, it's the third Tuesday of May, you know.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Oh, my gosh, I totally want to do something random on the third Tuesday now, third Tuesday Actually. Now, yeah, now I want to like make traditions for like random stuff, right, random traditions. But I think traditions are things that happen like once a year. That feels like like what a tradition is. It's not something that like happens like usually Fridays is like pizza night. Yeah, Like, is that a tradition or is that just-.
Beth Demme:I think it's a routine. Yeah, I think that's a routine not a tradition?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Yeah, I think it may be something that is more like yearly on, like a certain day.
Beth Demme:Right. And also I mean there are things that happen in my life every month, like there's a church council meeting actually the second Tuesday of every month, because third Tuesday is trustees. So those are not traditions. I have something that happens once a month, really.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:I don't really want to talk about it. I mean, it's a very natural thing that most women experience. Do you not want to I don't. That's why I didn't say all, because obviously that would be incorrect. That was probably one of your favorite things about getting cancer is get rid of that.
Beth Demme:Listen, even before cancer I had that stuff removed. Really, I had it removed before I had an endometrial ablation, so they burned it out. They burned out the lining so that I wouldn't have periods anymore.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Oh, is that like the tube's tide.
Beth Demme:Nope, I still had my tubes, I still ovulated, I just didn't slough the lining.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So you didn't have your periods Mm-mm, so can anyone have that done? Yeah, Interesting.
Beth Demme:So why was the 30,? What did he tell me? I was the 32nd person to have it done in Dalhazza. I don't know why he told me that or why I remember it.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So it does affect your ability to have children, obviously you couldn't have a yeah, yeah, yeah. So how is it different than tubes tied?
Beth Demme:Or is it Because you can have your tubes tied and still have a period Cause your tubes? That's the, that's the when the egg drops, which is different than the lining of your ears.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Why would you have one over the other?
Beth Demme:I was having really heavy really painful periods.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So why don't more women? Just if that don't want your periods, just do that.
Beth Demme:That's a great question. What is it called Endometrial ablation Ablation?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:ablate, it Is there what?
Beth Demme:how old were you? Let's see it was in 2008. 33?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Oh wow you were young, yeah.
Beth Demme:I was 33.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Can you have both done that and tubes tied? Yeah, you could, and it would like make sure you never have kids Right For sure.
Beth Demme:Right, yeah, yeah. Well, you, if you have an ablation and you're still at risk of getting pregnant, then you would need to be on birth control, because it would be really dangerous. Yeah yeah, so yeah, so you need to do something.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:But didn't you have all your parts taken out when you had yeah, when I had cancer.
Beth Demme:I took it all Cancer. Okay so you had, so had you gone through menopause.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:No, no, no, so you don't go through menopause but you had stopped having a period as long as you have your ovaries, you will not go through menopause.
Beth Demme:Well, I mean until it's time. But you stopped your period, but I stopped my period.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:There's so many things that like why don't we know this?
Beth Demme:Like I've never heard that. I know Well, and you know I went to one doctor. I went to one gynecologist in town and was like this is impairing my ability to enjoy life. Yeah, it is, my periods are so painful and so heavy. And she said there is nothing you can do about it. And so I went to another gynecologist and he said I can make that stop. And I was like please.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Why would the other ones Please make that stop. Why would one know when the other not?
Beth Demme:He did literally tell me that I was like the 32nd or 33rd person to have it done in Tallahassee, so I guess it was new and the other doctor was like yeah, but now it's not new. Now, it's not new.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Now lots of people do it.
Beth Demme:I have heard of some women not being of it not being a successful procedure for them because there are some size constraints. I guess there's not a standard uterus size and so if your uterus is too small they can't get the equipment in to be able to do a full ablation, or I guess if it was too big they couldn't ablate at all. I don't know, but it worked for me.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Well, you know, what I really have enjoyed about this conversation I'm for sure keeping it in is that you obviously didn't want to talk about periods when I brought it up and then we had such a conversation about periods. I really actually I'm glad we had this conversation. You know what? I would like to have a gynecologist or some kind of like yeah, like a gynecologist on the podcast to talk about these women issues, cause the fact that I've never heard of this it would be nice to have, like when we had the lawyer, the family law lawyer, talking about divorce and just like how to empower women when they get married and like the knowledge it'd be interesting to have like a gynecologist or some kind of women's health specific conversation, cause I feel like there's a lot of that conversation that we're not even aware of as women and we need to be Is that a conversation we're still allowed to have in Florida about women's health.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Is that a Drive up to Georgia for that one but-.
Beth Demme:We can only have it like what in the first six weeks of the year, or something.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:Whew, that's a whole other conversation.
Beth Demme:We'll add that one to the list too, so do I get like a trophy or like a blue ribbon or something? Because I, because periods came up and I didn't score them out of it.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:And you added to the conversation. Beth, I'm very, very proud of you. Yeah, that was pretty great. You know it is something I didn't think we'd get to in a holiday conversation, but I'm really excited we did. And I already know I'm keeping it in because we've talked so much about it that there's no way I can edit it out.
Stephanie Kostopoulos:So back to our title why do holidays hit different? I think we've answered it For lots of really interesting reasons, for lots of reasons, and I would say, if we haven't answered it or if someone listening has another opinion, I would love to hear what that is. And if you want to share any thoughts on this, you can call us at 850-270-3308 and leave a voicemail. You can also text that number and we could read that. So let us know if you have some insight into, maybe, what we've shared today. A Thing to Beach episode. We end with questions for reflection. These are questions based on today's show that Beth will read and leave a little pause between for you to answer to yourself, or you can find a copy on our website.
Beth Demme:Number one does this time of year hit differently for you? Why? Number two do you find comfort in tradition? Why or why not? Number three do you have a favorite holiday? If you do, what is it what makes it special? And number four are you happy with how you celebrate the holidays? Is there something you wish you could change?
Stephanie Kostopoulos:This has been the Discovering Our Scars podcast. Thank you for joining us.
